Saturday, May 10, 2014

I Want to Be…(a few thoughts circling in my cluttered brain)

Right now as I type this all of the contents of this room are pushed into the center of the room and crowded around me.  I had to clear a path to get to the keyboard.  I am so ready to be someone again.  Right now every second of my day is filled with cleaning, organizing, packing, staging, tossing, de-cluttering, checking on workman, worrying about money, wondering about comps, looking at possible houses in Kentucky, everything BUT living.  I want to be in the real world again.  The one were children can touch walls, where toys aren’t perfectly lined up on shelves, were you don’t have to worry about where your kids are going to sleep tonight because of the paint fumes, where you can go out, explore, and live.

I read blogs that women write like these: DS Blog, EB Blog, Adoption Blog, another DS Blog, Quiet, Homeschooling Mama Blog, Amazing Love Blog, Quilting Blog, Quilting and Built a Business for her Daughter Blog, Twin Blog, Crazy Teenage Family Blog, SB Blog, Thoughtful DS/Cancer/Life Blog, Blind Blog.  I glimpse a moment into their lives.  I don’t know how other women feel, but I always come away wondering who I am, wanting some quality they have.  And then I hear a little voice in my head, belittling me and telling me that if I’m comparing myself to others that I must have a low self esteem, and that is bad.  I don’t know.  I think some self reflection and self analysis can be a good thing.  As I observe people, I have noticed that people who think they are always right and always correct, usually aren’t.  Taking the time to ponder, consider, and then act is a gift.

One thing about moving that I learned as I moved frequently growing up was that you can re-invent yourself in your new place.  It’s a new start.  No one knows you.  I’m not a kid anymore and don’t know that I need a personality change, but I’m curious what I’ll learn in Kentucky, who I’ll meet, how experiences there will teach me and mold me.  I’m not ready to let all of my Texas life go, but I am curious about what’s over the horizon.

I know that I am hoping to build a home for my family.  We look at houses and we compare the prices with our budget.  We reject houses based on random criteria.  But what I’m really looking for is a home.  A place where my family can be – just be. A place to be and feel safe.  Because we are so different from everybody.  I am hoping that in Kentucky we can build a place where Autism is accepted, where feeding tubes are normal, where trips to the ER are taken in stride, where being non-verbal is nothing unusual, where your IQ does not determine your worth, where singing all day is celebrated, where dreams are encouraged, where body shapes are just a shell for the spirit residing within.  I’m hoping to create a home for us, to be us.

So for now, I will keep cleaning, organizing, packing, staging, tossing, de-cluttering, checking on workman, wondering about comps, worrying about money, looking at possible houses in Kentucky knowing in the back of my mind that I am who I am and I’ll just keep doing the best I can wherever I am.

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