Last night was our ward's emergency preparedness thing. Jason and I were able to go (together!). Becca babysat at home. Sammi babysat in the church nursery. Seemed harmless enough. The Bishop had highly encouraged everyone to come, so I went. Wow - what a night! It started with a paramedic from HFD (a member of our ward). He talked about CPR, Basic First Aid, and Fire Safety. At one point I leaned over to Jason and said, "Doesn't everyone know this stuff?" We have 6 NICU graduates living in this house - we have taken our share of CPR classes. Then there's the whole homestudy process that forces you to take more classes and make sure you know about fire safety. Then the obligatory scare stories that paramedics love to tell - and the line "you need to be prepared because you don't know how you'll act in an emergency." Hmm..... Obviously that line wasn't meant for me, but all of the other engrossed ward members who were soaking it all in. I got up and walked around the church a couple of times during his part. I can do this. I can do this. On to important documents you need to have in case of an emergency. Talking, talking, then the line..."you need to have a list of medications in case of an emergency. You'll be in shock and won't remember." Big sigh. At this point I decided I had had enough emergency preparedness. I told Jason I was going to check on the kids in the nursery and headed in that direction, but ended up in the cool, dark chapel. I was wearing jeans and I thought I don't care as I walked in. I went up to the front and sat down to talk with my Heavenly Father. I remember thinking I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Catholic - praying in a chapel, alone. That's how I always see it on the movies. :) The chapel with its darkness and its quiet calmness was just what I needed. I talked. Father listened - just like He always does, and He sent His Spirit to soothe my troubled heart - just like He always does. Because you see, I do know. I do know how I'll react in an emergency. I know how I will be the calm one. I will take over. I will do all I can. I will be the one calling 911. I will be the one loading the stretcher. I will be the one telling the paramedic "let's roll." I will be the one giving the acute symptoms as well as the brief medical history. I will be the one handing over the sheet of paper with all of her meds and surgeries. I will be the one explaining her baseline so medical personnel don't overreact. Or it has also gone this way. I will be the one standing there helpless as medical personnel do all that they have been trained to do while I stand in the corner so I'm not in the way. I will be the one hugging myself and silently opening the corridor to heaven waiting to hear - hoping that it's not time yet. I will be there alone. But my Father will be with me.
I try very hard to keep my two worlds separate - my Bella life and my public church life. Last night they collided. Oh well. I'm sure it's good for me. I hope one day my sweet girl gets well enough that she can be part of my public church life and then my worlds can finally and totally converge. I'm sure my Father will still be there for me then too.