Thursday, December 05, 2013

Let’s be honest…

I am struggling.  The magic of Christmas hasn’t been able to penetrate my heart yet this year.  So far it’s all just obligations.  Buy, plan, buy some more, throw some worry in there, drive, meet needs, be seen.  Lots of sickness doesn’t help.  Trying to pause and be grateful helps for the second, but it all comes crashing back in an instant.  I just don’t have the energy to stay up.

I know one of the things weighing so heavily on my heart right now is Dec 10th.

Jason and BenMama and Ben

Ben with Daddy's watchDecember 10, 1994 a very still yet perfectly formed little body entered this world and my world crashed down and broke into a million pieces.  I have dealt with the Ben’s death, but certain years are hard.  This is a BIG one.  From here on out I imagine it’ll never be this bad again.  Just decades to mark.  But 19 is big to me.  At 19 he would have gone on a mission.  The age has now been changed to 18, and Jason says that he thinks Ben would have jumped on that change and gone as soon as he graduated, so this past June.  Either way in June or December, it’s time.  It’s time for us to be buying suits and ties.  To be missionary parents.  To look forward to Monday e-mails.  To watch our son grow into a man as he serves the Lord and His children.  Because that is what it’s really about.  Life with it’s ups and downs, with career choices, school, children, family, everything, it all comes down to how we serve the Lord and his children.